I Don't Know All the Answers (and I'm okay with that)

My goal last spring and this summer was to write more.

Usually, these words are inspired by a specific moment of clarity. During the last four months of injury, I figured that an amazing story of how God used me would become clear. I found myself striving to be this man who was known as by others as, "the man who went through everything," and came back a hero.

This explains my long absence from writing as I struggled to find this "amazing story."

I wanted my thoughts to be perfectly summed, like my life was altogether.

I am here to tell you, that is most certainly not the case. Today, I want to share with you a bit of unfiltered thoughts.

I find myself often showing the good part of my life to the world, not letting anyone into the depths of my true life that is filled with both joy and pain.

Instead of exposing our messy realities to the world, we showcase the "highlight reel"version of life, filled with adventure, happiness, and satisfaction. I find myself frequently in this boat of showing only the "good" stuff. But my life hasn't been an adventure the last few months, which is why I want to be real and share what's going on in my life lately in a season far from contentment.

Throughout college I have struggled. Struggled with balancing my school life, running life and social life. I've struggled with overcommitting and how to say no to things. Struggled with injuries and maintaining friendships and relationships, and still often struggle with having a consistent walk with the Lord.

During this time I couldn't help but ask, "God where have you been in these years? I thought we were in this together! Why do I keep finding myself injured, broken, and alone?"

(Photo credit Alex Miller)

Injury had been so commonplace that it was hard to see anything beyond my narrow horizons. Becoming healthy consumed me, and still often does.

People tell me all the time, "Put your identity in Christ, and everything will be okay." However, I've come to a realization. God's definition of "okay" is drastically different than ours. We hear truths of God's promises and think that an identity in Christ is a means for everything to go our way. I often fall into this mentality that God will grant me health, friends and relationships that I desire if I seek him. But what God really means is "Never will I forsake you, I myself will help you." (Duet 31:8).

The trials aren't taken away when we are in Christ, pain will always exist on this earth, but Christ promises to be with us during these storms.

Jesus says, "In this world you will have tribulation, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 ESV)

Hebrews 4:15-16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and grace to help in time of need."

We trust in a God who understands and has been in the same situations we have. A God who knows the inner workings of you, me, and every single person on this earth. A God who shaped you purposefully, who calls you by name. But so often, I forget that truth.

I strive to be excellent in all things. That's why I've tried and continue to try to be the best runner I can be throughout my running career. This desire to be excellent is great, but when I turn it into a drive for perfection, the desire is corrupted and not for God's glory. My attempts to get healthy or be a great runner sometimes go beyond where the Lord has called me; my performance and healthiness outweigh trusting in the Lord's plan for my life.

 I've tried and tried, and I keep failing in running. I've had many folks in my community who tell me to just give up… quit.

But failing to me is okay. If the Lord wants me to be in the running world, I am going to keep at it until I am directed otherwise.

 The Lord says, "Though a righteous man may fall seven times, he will get up again." (Psalms 24:16 ESV)

So bring on success or failure--I welcome it. The world might not see my career as a success, but if God is glorified, it's all worth it. Worth more than any of the running goals I pray, dream or hope for.

So here is the truth: I don't have all the answers, but I trust in a God who does. The Lord may never allow me to understand His great plan for my life, and that's okay with me. Why? Because time and time again the Lord has shown me his grace and mercy, and rescued me from disaster.

All I can do now is trust the Lord and be faithful, even if I don't know all the answers.

Babylon

This semester has been a hard semester. A semester of new and unknown things: From not being able to compete this year in cross country, to trying to navigate where my life is headed going into the last few years of college, there has definitely been some struggles.

This year the discipleship group I'm in is going through the book of Daniel. Its a story of young men from Israel who were at their prime, ready to take on the world, ready for success. But then God handed them over to the Babylonians, into exile, an unknown place. This is not where they had hoped to be…

I'm also reading a book called 7 Men And The Secret Of Their Greatness, by Eric Metexas. It goes through 7 highly influential men and what made them great. I've noticed a theme in each one of their stories: They all at one point in their lives were at places of exile, unfamiliar places they didn't want to be in. 

One of the men, George Washington, found himself with a choice to become America's first leader. It had never been done before.

Eric Liddell found himself in a predicament: He had to decide whether or not to drop out of the Olympics, a race he had been training for his whole life, because of his spiritual convictions. No one had ever dropped out of the Olympics due to faith.

William Wilberforce had a choice to stand up for his beliefs or not about slavery in England, but the decision came at a high price: if he stood up for his beliefs, he would have to sacrifice everything he knew and loved in life, and his reputation among the English elite.

This semester I feel like sometimes I am in exile, in Babylon, in an unknown place where dreams go to die, where there is no hope left.

While each of these men I have been studying have been in their Babylon, they all believed in one truth that would carry them through their struggles:
No matter the pain or strife, God's faithfulness would see them through to the end.

In Isaiah 43:1-7 God writes a love letter to us when he says,

"I am the God who made you in the first place, the one who got you started. 
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name, you're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. 
When your in rough waters, you will not go down. 
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end-
Because I am God, your personal God, your Savior

It's comforting to know when life gets tough, when the waters just don't seem bearable, there is a God who cares. My time of "exile" has been difficult, but in the end I will trust a God who is sovereign.
Today, I am thankful for that truth, that the Lord will be faithful to deliver me in any situation I come across… just like He did for Daniel in Babylon!

Frustration

"How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God" -Psalms 13:1-3

I had the greatest summer planned, ever. I was going to go to Cameroon, train and share the Gospel with the Africans there, then come back to lead high school runners in their training at the Baylor Cross Country Camp, then head to Mammoth Lakes California- for two weeks of training bliss.

I thought everything was going to be perfect, but there was one problem, the stress fracture in my right foot hadn't gone away.

That wasn't a part of my grand plan, I had figured that the fracture would go away & I would be running by early June. But August is coming up, and I still haven't gotten cleared to run yet. I have been down on my knees asking God & praying for 3 months for healing. But it hasn't happened. It's frustrating. I've been restless for the last 4 weeks, ready to be back.

A good friend put it in this way: I would never say it, but the fracture has definitely been a disappointment in what was going to be one of the greatest running filled summers ever.

Where is God in the middle of all of this?

I like to put myself in the shoes of other men sometimes. Recently, I have been trying to put myself in the shoes of King David, through his frustrations. David had to live in the shadows of his brothers for many years, then was constantly on the run from a ruthless King Saul, even living in caves.

This is why I love the Psalms. They are real- they are deep cuts from David's heart documenting his joys and frustrations with life. In Psalm 13, David asks the Lord if he has forgotten him forever, how long will God forget him.

I think that Psalm 13 shows us that it is ok to be frustrated with God, even Jesus was frustrated and stressed even to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22.) It's good to know that there were men who went before me who also had frustrations with God, for this is where I am at.

I know that the Lord has got a plan for me through this race of life, but sometimes I don't know where this path is going.

A friend texted me this verse the other day that really encouraged me,

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

 Yes, life can be frustrating, and its ok to have questions and ask God where He is, but the truth lies in that sometimes we can't understand the situation, but God can.

So regardless of my frustration, I am going to live freely, because I live in the truth of knowing a God who goes before me, and loves me, no matter what shape I am in. God doesn't love me less or more with this fracture, because He loves me unconditionally, all the time!

Today, I am thankful that the God I serve is the God who will fight and run (maybe even walk) with me, every step of the way, even through my frustration!

Beautiful Feet

There are two words that all runners never want to hear: Stress Fracture.

Unfortunately, this happened to be the case for me.

I had just come off of a career best indoor season, primed for a great outdoor season- had a few good early tune-ups just in time before Texas Relays and Big XII's. Seemed like a new 5k PR was in my sights at last after a hard few months of training.

But the Lord had a different plan for me: a small little fracture in my right foot. 

Instead of the track or the open roads, my world consisted of doctors offices and swimming pools.

The last two months of my life have been definitely out of sync, no running, occasional cross training or pool workouts, but without running, things have seemed out of rhythm.

I've had a lot of free time while I've been out of commission, and it's been a time to reflect and ask God some tough questions. I was driving home a friend from school one day and she told me, "Matt, you have worked so hard to get where you are, I don't understand why God would allow you to get injured."

That was a question I struggled with a lot.

It's hard to watch on the sidelines, its hard going to rehabs and X-rays, when your teammates are out giving it their all on the track. You want to be with them, you want to have that feeling of satisfaction, the one you get when you have run your hardest, and know their is nothing you could have done to make your race any better. Every runner wants and strives for this feeling. And when that opportunity is stripped from you, its hard.

However, I have had an incredible peace about the whole process. The doctors said it was okay to be angry, it was ok to be frustrated. But I wasn't… at all.

I've realized something that has completely changed my perspective on injury:
If my goal is to glorify Christ with running, then why would I be discouraged with an injury? I can use an injury to glorify Christ with my attitude. I can use an injury to open up great conversations with people to tell them about the peace that the Lord has given me!

Romans 10:15 says, "How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!"

With this perspective, everything has changed. The glass is half full for me.
My "broken" foot, has now become a "beautiful foot," because I can use it to make Christ's name more known!

Life is hard, there is no doubt. Look around us- West Explosions, Boston Marathon Bombings… just 5 minutes of watching the news will clear any doubt that life is hard. But let me tell you, yes life is hard, but Christ is the only way we can get through our trials and struggles in life. And my words mean nothing, Christ is the only one who can truly change our hearts.

My prayer is that we all can find peace and satisfaction through Christ, no matter what comes our way.

my hero, Eric Liddell, in Chariots of Fire said it best,

"Who am I to say, "believe," "have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in his or her own way. And where does the power come from to see the race to its end? From within,

Jesus said, "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts you truly seek Me, then you shall ever surely find Me."  
If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, than THAT is how you run the straight race!