I Don't Know All the Answers (and I'm okay with that)

My goal last spring and this summer was to write more.

Usually, these words are inspired by a specific moment of clarity. During the last four months of injury, I figured that an amazing story of how God used me would become clear. I found myself striving to be this man who was known as by others as, "the man who went through everything," and came back a hero.

This explains my long absence from writing as I struggled to find this "amazing story."

I wanted my thoughts to be perfectly summed, like my life was altogether.

I am here to tell you, that is most certainly not the case. Today, I want to share with you a bit of unfiltered thoughts.

I find myself often showing the good part of my life to the world, not letting anyone into the depths of my true life that is filled with both joy and pain.

Instead of exposing our messy realities to the world, we showcase the "highlight reel"version of life, filled with adventure, happiness, and satisfaction. I find myself frequently in this boat of showing only the "good" stuff. But my life hasn't been an adventure the last few months, which is why I want to be real and share what's going on in my life lately in a season far from contentment.

Throughout college I have struggled. Struggled with balancing my school life, running life and social life. I've struggled with overcommitting and how to say no to things. Struggled with injuries and maintaining friendships and relationships, and still often struggle with having a consistent walk with the Lord.

During this time I couldn't help but ask, "God where have you been in these years? I thought we were in this together! Why do I keep finding myself injured, broken, and alone?"

(Photo credit Alex Miller)

Injury had been so commonplace that it was hard to see anything beyond my narrow horizons. Becoming healthy consumed me, and still often does.

People tell me all the time, "Put your identity in Christ, and everything will be okay." However, I've come to a realization. God's definition of "okay" is drastically different than ours. We hear truths of God's promises and think that an identity in Christ is a means for everything to go our way. I often fall into this mentality that God will grant me health, friends and relationships that I desire if I seek him. But what God really means is "Never will I forsake you, I myself will help you." (Duet 31:8).

The trials aren't taken away when we are in Christ, pain will always exist on this earth, but Christ promises to be with us during these storms.

Jesus says, "In this world you will have tribulation, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 ESV)

Hebrews 4:15-16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and grace to help in time of need."

We trust in a God who understands and has been in the same situations we have. A God who knows the inner workings of you, me, and every single person on this earth. A God who shaped you purposefully, who calls you by name. But so often, I forget that truth.

I strive to be excellent in all things. That's why I've tried and continue to try to be the best runner I can be throughout my running career. This desire to be excellent is great, but when I turn it into a drive for perfection, the desire is corrupted and not for God's glory. My attempts to get healthy or be a great runner sometimes go beyond where the Lord has called me; my performance and healthiness outweigh trusting in the Lord's plan for my life.

 I've tried and tried, and I keep failing in running. I've had many folks in my community who tell me to just give up… quit.

But failing to me is okay. If the Lord wants me to be in the running world, I am going to keep at it until I am directed otherwise.

 The Lord says, "Though a righteous man may fall seven times, he will get up again." (Psalms 24:16 ESV)

So bring on success or failure--I welcome it. The world might not see my career as a success, but if God is glorified, it's all worth it. Worth more than any of the running goals I pray, dream or hope for.

So here is the truth: I don't have all the answers, but I trust in a God who does. The Lord may never allow me to understand His great plan for my life, and that's okay with me. Why? Because time and time again the Lord has shown me his grace and mercy, and rescued me from disaster.

All I can do now is trust the Lord and be faithful, even if I don't know all the answers.

Babylon

This semester has been a hard semester. A semester of new and unknown things: From not being able to compete this year in cross country, to trying to navigate where my life is headed going into the last few years of college, there has definitely been some struggles.

This year the discipleship group I'm in is going through the book of Daniel. Its a story of young men from Israel who were at their prime, ready to take on the world, ready for success. But then God handed them over to the Babylonians, into exile, an unknown place. This is not where they had hoped to be…

I'm also reading a book called 7 Men And The Secret Of Their Greatness, by Eric Metexas. It goes through 7 highly influential men and what made them great. I've noticed a theme in each one of their stories: They all at one point in their lives were at places of exile, unfamiliar places they didn't want to be in. 

One of the men, George Washington, found himself with a choice to become America's first leader. It had never been done before.

Eric Liddell found himself in a predicament: He had to decide whether or not to drop out of the Olympics, a race he had been training for his whole life, because of his spiritual convictions. No one had ever dropped out of the Olympics due to faith.

William Wilberforce had a choice to stand up for his beliefs or not about slavery in England, but the decision came at a high price: if he stood up for his beliefs, he would have to sacrifice everything he knew and loved in life, and his reputation among the English elite.

This semester I feel like sometimes I am in exile, in Babylon, in an unknown place where dreams go to die, where there is no hope left.

While each of these men I have been studying have been in their Babylon, they all believed in one truth that would carry them through their struggles:
No matter the pain or strife, God's faithfulness would see them through to the end.

In Isaiah 43:1-7 God writes a love letter to us when he says,

"I am the God who made you in the first place, the one who got you started. 
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name, you're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. 
When your in rough waters, you will not go down. 
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end-
Because I am God, your personal God, your Savior

It's comforting to know when life gets tough, when the waters just don't seem bearable, there is a God who cares. My time of "exile" has been difficult, but in the end I will trust a God who is sovereign.
Today, I am thankful for that truth, that the Lord will be faithful to deliver me in any situation I come across… just like He did for Daniel in Babylon!

Joy (Injury Part 3)

"God-Loyal people don't stay down long, soon they're up on their feet."  -Proverbs 24:16 (MSG)

This summer was one of the greatest roller-coasters of a lifetime. I got to go to Africa, lead a cross country camp, and go to Mammoth Lakes California, where I got to meet my hero, Ryan Hall!

I've also had a lot of ups & downs this summer. When I was in Africa, I was humbled to lead someone to Christ, which was incredible! I also had some great conversations with some high school athletes at the Baylor Cross Country Camp.

On the other hand, I didn't get to run a step this summer due to a stress fracture. I spent a lot of time alone for hours on end swimming and deep water running in the pool. While my teammates were out running, I was confined to the air bubble also known as the Alter G. It was frustrating, and I spent a lot of time asking God tough questions. (see part 2 Frustration)

But through all the ups and downs, the Lord has taught me a lot about His faithfulness, and the joy I have in Him.

My hero, Ryan Hall, who helped lead a bible study I was in this summer while I was in California, shared Proverbs 24:16 with us, which really encouraged me.

The verse in Proverbs 24 doesn't shy away from the fact that we will be down, in fact, it implies that at one point in our life we will be down. However, the cool part of the verse tells us that if we are loyal to Christ, we will be up on our feet! Coming from someone who has had a 3 month fracture in my foot, that verse is really encouraging to hear.

I asked God this summer question I didn't think He had an answer for. I asked Him, "God, how come I have this fracture, why would you give this pain to me, to someone who is seeking You?"

Looking back, I asked God the wrong question. I realized a critical mistake in my question… I attributed my pain to something that God had personally given to me, almost like he was purposefully giving me pain. But if we look in the Bible, we see that all good things come from God (James 1).

God didn't give me a stress fracture, but He has allowed me to have it, so that I may be more dependent on Him, rather than put my identity in running, something I do so often.

My pastor from the church I grew up in, Todd Wagner defined the words worry & joy in a clear way:

Worry: "God has it all wrong"
Joy: "Knowing God is good & sovereign"

I spent the majority of this summer, worrying whether or not I would be able to run, I didn't fully trust in God's faithfulness. I thought like in Todd's definition of worry, that God had it all wrong. It took a trip 7000 miles away to Africa to help me realize that I needed to have joy, and trust that the Lord is a God who is constantly faithful to me, a God who is not forgetful of the pains that we go through, but ever present in the hardships of life.

Although I am not back to running, and sometimes frustrated with the slow process of having to cross train, while with my teammates are out & about, I've got something thats worth more than health: Joy, or a trust in God's faithfulness to me each day that I wake up.

 I know that one day when running ends, I'm going to have something more permanent: A relationship with Christ filled with joy!